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26 Re: Not good news on Sat Apr 16, 2016 6:44 pm

Crybaby

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UNCLE JIMMY wrote:Just saw this! So sorry to hear this. By this time....hope they reconsidered and are back together.

My daughter was married 2 weeks, and filed for divorce right after that.  She found out a month before the wedding, he had a six year old son that he had with just a girlfriend.

The issue was, that he wanted nothing to do with his son. As a matter of fact, he never even had seen him. That was the factor, that Maria said," If I marry him, who knows if he would do the same thing to my child?" "And that may be a reason for him not to have any more kids, whilst she wanted children! .... She lost trust in him! They were together 5 years too!

Tina and I were so shocked! And I spent over $55,000.00 for her wedding!  The End!

I remember your telling me this when I first "met" you, Jimmy!  I'd have been pissed too if I was Maria just knowing that he'd never even told her he had a kid -- they're getting married and he leaves that out?!  People can be so dumb sometimes...

Brian worked with a guy and became friendly with him for a while (Ernie) who got married at the drop of a hat.  After his first marriage which produced Ernie's son, Eric, he was always attracted to women wayyy too young for him -- ones we call "show ponies" -- and would marry them after a couple of dates.  He'd been married three times and told me he'd met a really nice girl again; I told him, "For God's sake, Ernie, don't marry this one," but he actually wanted us to meet Lilly. Then I met her and she was the kind of woman he should've been dating all along -- Lilly was sweet, Guatemalan (Ernie was Puerto Rican) (I mention this because of the fact that they both spoke Spanish and had huge families who expected to get together quite often), around his age, divorced from a longtime marriage with a physically abusive husband with three almost grown sons, etc.  When I met her, I had to laugh because I told him he could indeed marry this one.  After they dated about a year, they planned their wedding.  She told Ernie it was off after she found out he'd been married three times, as he'd only told her about two of his weddings.  The third one, believe it or not, was shorter than Maria's.  They went on a honeymoon yet hadn't discussed where they would live -- she was from Dallas and he was from N.O.  As they flew back from some island, they talked about it and could not agree so they filed for divorce (or annulment I'm not sure).  I could not believe it when I heard it.  

It's the only time Brian ever got involved in someone's personal business as I BEGGED him to go talk to Lilly, which he did.  He told her Ernie was probably embarrassed because it was such a short marriage.  She was worried that she'd find out he had more than one kid or some other important fact he'd lied about or omitted telling her.  Brian assured her he hadn't and told her how he was wild about her the after the first date and how I'd told him NOT to marry her, too!  They did get married and are still very happily married -- I think they've probably been married about 27 or 28 years by now.  Ernie's son Eric has about 6 kids and never married any of the moms; when we run into Ernie every couple of years, he brags about Eric's 6 kids and I want to strangle him.  Anyone can father a child but it takes a real man to be a dad, you know?  Eric sounds like a sperm donor and goodness knows Ernie wasn't the best example of a father, though at least he wasn't fathering kids with these show ponies.  Both he and Lilly were in their 40s when they married so no there was never a matter of them having another one!

I don't blame Maria one bit but man, $55k!  Yowsa!



Last edited by Crybaby on Mon Apr 18, 2016 3:54 am; edited 1 time in total

27 Re: Not good news on Sat Apr 16, 2016 7:21 pm

Bugster2

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What blows me away is that your daughter went ahead with the wedding knowing he had a son. What was she thinking? Putting you in the hole $55,000. That must have been some wedding.

28 Re: Not good news on Sat Apr 16, 2016 7:24 pm

Barbara101

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I have been to a Italian wedding  lol... Shocked cheers cheers

29 Re: Not good news on Sat Apr 16, 2016 8:22 pm

NormM

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I told them both that I was not looking forward to the day they moved out. I even gave them my master bedroom and the entire top floor with two additional bed rooms and two bathrooms so they could have room to raise a family. My part of the house is the lower ground level with a bathroom, bedroom and a large 'office' area. The middle part of the house is the open living room and dining area along with the kitchen.

12 or so years ago when Charlie was in Seattle, he was going through a depressed stage and almost committed suicide. A couple years ago he had a nervous breakdown and the tests showed he still had a deep depression. He has been taking medicine and seeing a councillor since then. That was a factor in his decision to not have kids, at least not yet. The councillor told him that he was going through a grieving period right now because he is tired all the time and doesn't feel like doing anything after work.

http://r2j1cp@gmail.com

30 Re: Not good news on Sat Apr 16, 2016 8:47 pm

Bugster2

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I am so sorry that Charlie has a clinical depression. He is right to take that into consideration when thinking about children. His problems may be all he can take on. My mother was schizophrenic, my cousin also was schizophrenic. Another cousin had something and tried to commit suicide. All she succeeded in doing was brain damage. She has to live in a group home. When it came to me, the doctor told me I had one chance in seven of being schizoid and yes it is passed on. My father dumped my mother on me to take care of when I was a child, so when I thought of my own kids, it was "no way in hell" do I want to pass it on and "no way in hell" can I go through that again if one of my children was stricken with the disease. Tell him I understand.

31 Re: Not good news on Sat Apr 16, 2016 8:51 pm

NormM

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Glad you understand.

http://r2j1cp@gmail.com

32 Re: Not good news on Sat Apr 16, 2016 11:13 pm

UNCLE JIMMY

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Having children today is way way different then it was in the 50's and up to the 80's.

Women of today in most instances Must work along with the man. There is a lot of pressure on a family in general in todays general life in itself. Jobs... Money ....No jobs ....no money..
All screwed up. Then there is the Religion Factor as I call it. Families are drifting away from God.
All I can remember is a simple path. God Is Great!
You have to believe in God first, before you can start to believe in yourself or your spouse.
God sometimes is the first medicine before any others.

Having a baby was a prize. A beautiful prize at that. And when that baby comes, Most including me, have such a special feeling that questions..."I made that?" "I really made that happen with my mate!".... The lust, and the act was given to happen by God! And God meant it to feel and be good!"
But Not as good as holding, and watching and protecting that child, that only God can make happen.
I know it doesn't all work out to be that perfect, but it is an honor to be a dad of that little boy or that little girl... all made by me and my mate. It's a feeling better than showing off that beautiful new car, or that big freshly caught fish, or that gorgeous diamond ring or other prize possession.

But remember.... it is all that allowed to happen, only if both partners are believing that a child will be a gift and a pleasure, to be cherished forever.... And, it's something to be proud of.
At times, it is the Best Medicine! A medicine of Nature! .... That is the way I see it!

33 Re: Not good news on Sat Apr 16, 2016 11:35 pm

Bugster2

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That is the same way that my husband's Hispanic friends view it. No matter if you have nine children and only make minimum wage, another child is a blessing. I don't quite see it that way: don't have them if you can't afford them because my taxes pick up the tab for what you can't afford.

34 Re: Not good news on Sun Apr 17, 2016 1:13 am

UNCLE JIMMY

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Bugster2 wrote:That is the same way that my husband's Hispanic friends view it. No matter if you have nine children and only make minimum wage, another child is a blessing. I don't quite see it that way: don't have them if you can't afford them because my taxes pick up the tab for what you can't afford.

Oh no no no! When it actually gets to that thinking, I'm against that too.
That's the modern L A Z Y way to work the system. Sadly, I just paid a chunk of $$ in taxes to fund someone for 3 months. That's what I call, feeding the system.

When Tina's mom had her, she was on what they called "Mothers Assistance"...
Her father flew the coop, and when Tina finally turned 5, the state ( PA ) said, your baby is old enough to stay home by herself, so she had to go back to work.
She had to send her son ( 9 years older than Tina), to live with the grandmother.

At 6 years old, there was Tina, cooking eggs for herself on a coal range stovetop standing on a wooden box. Now! there was a mom who really needed help, but was denied because her kid ( baby ) was old enough to stay home alone!

35 Re: Not good news on Sun Apr 17, 2016 1:57 am

Crybaby

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Sounds like Charlie is being extremely unselfish by not bringing a child into this world at this time given what he is currently going through himself. It sounds like he's truly putting any child of his ahead of his personal wants and needs, which I find more than admirable. We can only wish more people would give being a parent and raising a child such serious forethought, Norm.

36 Re: Not good news on Sun Apr 17, 2016 7:30 am

cookingirl

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Charlie needs to get himself 'together", before he has any children.
I mean, he has to feel better about himself. If he is not feeling good about himself, or at peace with at least part of his life, then he cannot fully give of himself 'completely' to a child.

Take it from someone who has been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and PTSD~~~ it is a very hard road to travel.

I am so glad I have my cat. Some days he [i]makes[i] me get off my butt to do things. He gives me unconditional love and support.

It takes a lot of work along with a very good therapist, a very good, understanding friend(s) and some meds to get out of a deep depression.

Not feeling good about yourself, along with someone pushing you into creating and being responsible for another life is enough to put someone over the edge. I can understand and empathize so much with Charlie.

Depending on the individual, and the situation, it varies as far as what helps.

I, myself, have, thanks to God, gotten myself out of a very toxic work situation. It took me going through a broken arm with resulting shoulder surgery, a lot of therapy, a wonderful friend, my cat, and rest to finally feel better about things.

As Jimmy has said, the world has gone insane.
Things and people are so hard to deal with. Sensitive people are just swallowed up. The good/bad norms are all messed up...

I think I began to mentally feel better, when I began getting really involved with my church. It was a start...Life also changed a lot for me.
I was faced with the fact that I am not physically able to perform my 30+ year career. Once I was done dealing with the workman's compensation system; I began to feel so much better about myself.

I think needing to feel 'needed' and taking the first step towards helping people, or someone is the first step..It takes you out of the vicious, spiraling downward circle of depression.
Having the sun shine is also helpful.

I have been very wordy, I apologize..
Norm, I just wanted you and Charlie to know I can relate to how he is feeling.

I do not have any children. I wanted them when I was younger. Now, in some ways, I am grateful that I do not. In many ways, I miss not having them nor anyone who is an intimate relative.....but I have seen the bad parts of that....

I am now, at this moment, kind of at peace....knowing that things happen for a reason...
It is at this point in my life, I have been able to see "why" things happened...things were leading up to this point in my life...

I am very grateful for the many blessings God has provided me. I feel I can give back a bit---hoping that God understands and accepts my 'thank you'....

OMG...too early for me to type...I wrote a book!! and a diary...
sorry guys...

37 Re: Not good news on Sun Apr 17, 2016 7:41 am

cookingirl

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PS...before I feed Artie (who is patiently waiting for me) and get ready for Church.

Charlie is tired all the time because he is depressed. He is even more depressed because he is tired.. a circle..

The best thing for him is to understand that it is not his fault. It is a chemical imbalance which is causing all of this.

A suggestion; which I have vetoed for many years...exercise, or even a walk helps...making something, building something....
doing something which you can be proud of..and getting some satisfaction from are all important..

Personally, I see a psychiatrist. I insisted on that. I see him once every 3 or 4 weeks; he is available for phone conversations also. My insurance provides and really insisted on having a social worker (for more often visits-cheaper), or a psychologist (non-prescribing doctor)(more visits-cheaper) and an overseeing psychiatrist (once every few months)....

The "big" guy can prescribe, the others cannot. I did not want to go over my entire life, or relive it with so many people. I insisted on just the Doctor.

My doctor specializes in adult psychology. There are different kinds. He is kind, understanding, yet can be strict.

The best one I ever had was a specialist in child psychiatry. She was awesome. Took adults also. She moved on to a different hospital and was inaccessible to me.. she is awesome...

Different doctors specialize in different things. I hope Charlie is dealing with a good doctor..

((hugs)) to your family...

OMG.. I am so late!! Artie, church, shower, making bed all in 10 minutes...yikes.....

38 Re: Not good news on Sun Apr 17, 2016 9:33 am

Barbara101

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I was not going to reply to this thread but it made a turn to my world.
My brother took his life over just this issue .He was getting treatment and the rest of my family was not even aware. He hid it well.
I have no advice on the matter, I think it's a personal family issue that needs to be addressed by the family.

39 Re: Not good news on Sun Apr 17, 2016 10:18 am

Bugster2

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I am so sorry Barb for your loss. I think every family has depression lurking somewhere. You would think that today there would be medicines that could eradicate the illness but there are some people who don't respond to the medications. Sometimes it takes trying quite a few before a person finds one that works. Some meds make you feel worse. All I know is that people with depression are not crazy, not delusional and are quite rational, sensitive and intelligent.
It's funny because a friend and I got into a big argument about depression and suicide. She thinks it is the ultimate selfish act and the feelings of those around them are not taken into consideration. So, you should live to make others happy? Not in my book they don't.

40 Re: Not good news on Sun Apr 17, 2016 10:58 am

NormM

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When Charlie was in Seattle and depressed, one day, very early, before sun-up, he walked down to a pier where he thought about jumping off.  As he walked down to the end, there was a man sitting there playing a guitar and he had an Airedale  dog with him.  Charlie had an Airedale when he was little and he said he had a nice Airedale.  The man said most people don't even know what kind of dog he has.  They started talking and the man seemed to sense how Charlie was feeling.  They talked a long time and made Charlie feel better.  Charlie asked him if he came there often. He said he had not been there in years but woke up early and just felt like he should go there that morning. Later when Charlie told me about it, I said God sent you an Angel that day.  Charlie said "Well the dog's name was Angel."

http://r2j1cp@gmail.com

41 Re: Not good news on Sun Apr 17, 2016 11:26 am

cookingirl

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Oh Norm.....awesome story.....((hugs)) Yes, It was an Angel. God finds a way to help us.....ok--enough...
Or it could be Buddha, Karma, etc....

Barb, I am so sorry about your brother.

I did not mean to open up a can of worms, by my response..
I was just trying to explain how I understand how Charlie feels. I do not want him to feel alone, or for Norm to feel alone in this also.

My therapist is always telling me: "What do you get about worrying about what 'could' happen??" "By doing that you are missing out on the 'moment'.. all of the good things. By thinking too much of all the bad possibilities, you create more stress on yourself, making yourself feel worse. Whatever happens, will happen; whether you try to foresee it, the fixes, and all the implications or if you do not. Why not just enjoy things for what they are at the moment. If things happen, they happen. The you can deal with things. You are strong enough and capable enough to handle it--"At The Time"."

I try to remember that advice, and thought process.

As Barbara has said, it is a personal issue; also a family issue, however, it does help to talk about it with people who are kind and understand...

42 Re: Not good news on Sun Apr 17, 2016 11:35 am

NormM

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I used to have a bumper sticker that said My Karma ran over my Dogma.

http://r2j1cp@gmail.com

43 Re: Not good news on Sun Apr 17, 2016 1:13 pm

cookingirl

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NormM wrote:I used to have a bumper sticker that said My Karma ran over my Dogma.

cute!!

44 Re: Not good news on Mon Apr 18, 2016 3:45 am

Crybaby

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NormM wrote:When Charlie was in Seattle and depressed, one day, very early, before sun-up,  he walked down to a pier where he thought about jumping off.  As he walked down to the end, there was a man sitting there playing a guitar and he had an Airedale  dog with him.  Charlie had an Airedale when he was little and he said he had a nice Airedale.  The man said most people don't even know what kind of dog he has.  They started talking and the man seemed to sense how Charlie was feeling.  They talked a long time and made Charlie feel better.  Charlie asked him if he came there often. He said he had not been there in years but woke up early and just felt like he should go there that morning. Later when Charlie told me about it, I said God sent you an Angel that day.  Charlie said "Well the dog's name was Angel."

This not only gave me chills but brought tears to my eyes, Norm. Charlie will remain in my prayers.

45 Re: Not good news on Thu Sep 29, 2016 10:17 pm

Niagara Visitor


I just found this. And, while I am sad that it didn't work out, I do think it is better that they realised that they were not on the same path before adding the strain of a child. I have been asked many times "Why don't you have grandchildren???" Sometimes I answer politely, but I am more likely to say that first of all that is a really rude question from them, and whether I have grandchildren is up to my children, not me. I haven't asked them, and they have not volunteered the information.

I wish you all the best.

46 Re: Not good news on Fri Sep 30, 2016 11:12 am

Crybaby

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Niagara Visitor wrote:I have been asked many times "Why don't you have grandchildren???"  Sometimes I answer politely, but I am more likely to say that first of all that is a really rude question from them, and whether I have grandchildren is up to my children, not me.  I haven't asked them, and they have not volunteered the information. 

I couldn't agree more, Lore, with both of those statements: Number one, it's a really rude question and, two, it's up to your children. When I was younger, sometimes someone would ask me, "Can't you have children?" I used to think it was so rude and would usually say something like, "Thank goodness, it was a choice made by me and my husband. But if I'd tried and couldn't have them, your question may well have caused me to burst into tears. I don't think you should ever say that to someone without kids, as you never know what they may have been through trying to have kids."

I only wish more people having kids would give it some thought before doing so, and realize what personal sacrifices they will have to make for their children. I think way too many people have kids because it's what "everyone" does. Brian and I fell in love with our lives without kids and didn't want to change our ways or to make the sacrifices good parents should make when they have kids. Though we love kids (some people just assume we don't like them), we've never regretted our decision not to have them.

47 Re: Not good news on Fri Sep 30, 2016 5:00 pm

Bugster2

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I also chose not to have kids. I just never had the need for them like many women which is good because it turned out that my health and finances would have prevented it anyway. I remember people asking me if I had children. I must have had some tone in my voice because they always said " Don't you like children"? Oh please, give me a break. Frankly, at this point in time, kids scare the hell out of me. They do things that I could never have dreamed of: sneaking out at night, calling the cops on you and telling lies about what you have done, physically attacking their parents and worse. Geeze!

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